she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
