im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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