The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
