I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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