my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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