Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
