return my video game
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
this boner is exhausting
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
