After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
