can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
