I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
