Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
