My cat gives me a boner
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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