Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
