i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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