Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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