Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
