Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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