I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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