don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Alive.
So much puke
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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