Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
So. Much. Porn.
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