I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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