The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i think i have two assholes
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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