You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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