Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
