So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
