So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
