I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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