STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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