Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I didn't shave. On purpose
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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