you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
