I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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