i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
