RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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