If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
