i need an iv and a liver transplant
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
