It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just gargled with NyQuil
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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