I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
