This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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