i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
