she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
