well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
