Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
