Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
