I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
