you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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