Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
