I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
