Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
