I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
