dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
