I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Holy sore nipples Batman
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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