we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
