Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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