Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
