Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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