the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
