I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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